Updated: Oct 12, 2018
Here is a responding to a question asked to me by someone who struggled with envy for blondes.
The Inferiority Complex
"I'll confess, I’m jealous of blonde women. I'm an attractive brunette, I have a pretty face, i go to the gym often and dance so I have a nice body, I'm slim and a good height... but i still don't feel as attractive as blondes who are even half as pretty (face or body wise) as me. Tonight i was out clubbing with friends and a guy i really like. he showed interest in me before so we've been taking it slowly... anyway, long story short, a blonde girl walks in. She's average looking, nothing special, but she has long platinum blonde hair... BOOM. Every guy there stares at her, including the guy i like. So there you have it, you can be a gorgeous brunette and still be ignored for an average looking blonde. I feel like brunettes have to make more of an effort or try even harder to look good because blondes have it easy. I’m sick of this "blonde is better" thing guys seem to have built into their minds from an early age. why does lighter hair make someone more attractive? And before anyone says it, I’m not dying my hair blonde. it wouldn’t suit me unfortunately."
First of all, I would encourage you to hold your head up high and be confident. Nothing can skew a guy away more than an inferiority complex. What you say about yourself is how they will perceive you. Anyone who has this struggle or feels that they are less than someone who was born with rare traits can be perceived as someone with a low self esteem. It will effect how you carry yourself and people pick up on this, ladies.
Criticized... For Being Too Average
First of all, I hated my hair for the same reasons outlined by you. When people would point out the fact that my hair was just ‘blah brown’, instead of the light and bright colored hair my siblings had; it would leave me bothered and a little upset, especially when it came to my peers. The color brown never really got me much attention from people, either, unless it was negative. And I hated it when kids and my peers would point it out as if it was something less admirable. It's like the time I asked this friend with the white blonde look about hair dye.
"Did you dye your hair? That's not natural is it?" Of course it was!
"She's jealous!" One person responded to my question, as if I had a reason to be, suggesting that young girls must be blonde or they’re ugly! This is one thing that brunette girls are so sick of hearing!
Funny how the world judges us by the very things we simply have no control over. Its the “Jealousy and/or the accusation of Jealousy” we keep hearing over and over.
Come on, Seriously? Get off your high horses. Ya’ll aren’t the only ones men are attracted to. You think every brunette woman out there is not married? Open your eyes please.
Have you ever heard people say things like this or brag about their rare traits? Sure, it's great to feel good about yourself and to love yourself. But the moment when you find yourself being put down by others who think they have it better than you, you can't help but to get on the defensive side. And some even resort to a low self esteem. Here are some other things people say:
“When I was a little girl, I was so embarrassed about my red hair, freckles and fair skin,” Christy shares. “Now, it’s my trademark. I am so proud to be a redhead. We are rare and beautiful. We are a rose among thorns. We are powerful, confident and fiery.” - Christy
People always complain about being bullied for being different. What about being criticized for being too average? So.... am I just a thorn to you???
"I LOVE being a green eyed RedHead who is envied because my copper curls make me a fabulously unique individual that can kick butt in any situation and I have no need or desire to follow the flock." -Colleen
In other words, I'm not unique because I'm not a redhead. Therefore, I should envy redheads for their copper curls. I'm just a member of some flock, right? Thats a pretty broad brush to paint on everyone. Oh and here is another good one:
"Red hair is rare, therefore its superior." - Augusten Burroughs
Superior? We hear you loud and clear. And I disagree.
"Welcome to jealousy. I personally have a thing for red heads, specifically the Ginger to classic range." - Anonymous guy
The awkward moment when you find yourself being put down for your differences. These comments all have one thing in common. They all see the need to compare themselves to others and all the while putting others down by calling them common, ugly and jealous/envious or inferior. But if they were truly proud of their looks, why would they want to do that? Lets take a look at some of the reasons why.
Why those with rare traits may put others down
This isn't to diss blondes or redheads. The truth is, many have been brainwashed to feel guilt for possessing a features that is so extremely scarce and which so many people in various parts of the world wish they could have. People with this complexion are incredibly scarce. They make up far less than 3% of the global population and your numbers will keep on falling due to low birthrates and increasing miscegenation. If you are a blonde or redhead you should love yourself and your traits. Marry a fair man and have many fair skinned, light haired children. The world cannot have enough people who look like you. Of course, your features don't make you better than anyone else, but always remember that people who possess rare features or gifts are often the victims of jealousy and torment.
why many dark haired women may resent those born with rare traits
Though it may be true that those who are born with rare traits are victims of jealousy, the many more that weren't born with those traits are often criticized for being too average. Either way you just can't win can you? And though many of those who are of European descent, such as myself; who carry those genetic traits, (who have a much higher chance of passing them down to their children if they marry fair haired men than other ethnic groups), we are often deemed as less valuable than those who have them. Sure, rare traits are truly a gift, and should be passed on. We get that. So how can we, dark haired women; overcome this? Especially when these people are so praised for their beauty while it seems that you are constantly being overlooked for being too average and continually reminded that you are not as blessed in that department? I find it very hard to take pride in something when others deem you as less valuable because of it. After all, things that are rare are valued higher, right?
It was a slippery slope for me. And when you find yourself being stereotyped in such a way, it makes it all the more easier to resort to self hate. But it's not like you can choose the traits you were born with. You get what you get. Can I get a witness?
Lets take this last comment for a good example.
"I love being a red head because it makes me feel different from the rest. I embrace my natural red hair with fairest of the fairest pale skin and freckles I would not change it for the world and everybody in my family say my hair is stunning I am so proud." -Gemma L
On a side note, I have no problem with those who learn to love
their looks and differences. They should. Rare traits should be celebrated and preserved. We all get that. But don't let anyone tell you that you are worth less because you aren't one. Do what this redhead is doing. Embrace your natural hair and wear it proudly!
Growing up as a dark haired child with light haired siblings
And if you don't think I know what it feels like to be different from the rest, you are greatly mistaken. I was the only dark haired kid in my family; which made this even more difficult to deal with. My siblings were all blonds and reds with blue eyes. Guess who got overlooked. It wasn't my siblings. But never mind that. I often wondered if I had been adopted, or if my father was really my father. The only indication that I really belonged to him was the fact that my grandmother on my father’s side resembled me. And so did my great-grandfather. And they all had the same hair color as I.
Though I wasn’t treated any different than any other kids by my family members, it seemed that the outside world had a different point of view about me. Let’s just say I was overlooked and ignored a lot while all of my siblings were praised for their light and bright colored curls and tresses. I was NEVER told that I was beautiful by my peers or praised for my hair. Quite the opposite. That took a toll on my self-esteem which is why I had struggled so much with the inferiority complex!
To top that, friendships didn’t come easy for me either which put a huge target on my back for bullies. The only people that told me I was cute or pretty were people who were much older than me, and it had nothing to do with my hair color. I guess being a brunette doesn't get you much attention. And if someone actually noticed me (or the fact that I existed at all) it would be for different reasons. It would always surprise me when someone actually addressed me with a compliment or admired me in some way. These people were very few and far between. It really hasn't changed at all. They are who I consider ‘rare jewels’ because it is rare that I would run across an admirer. I desired to surround myself with these people because they took interest in who I was. Wherein, it was so easy for my siblings. They had admirers everywhere.
Television added its own cuts and bruises to my fragile, young ego. Blonde hair was depicted on television as the ideal beauty. When a princess was depicted she was usually blonde. I recall a nickname my mother gave me when I was young, Princess Leah of Star Wars. I guess she wanted to help me understand that there were Brunette Princesses, too. Characters who resembled me, and that I could be one, too. But I wasn’t really familiar with the show. I always tuned into cartoons which always depicted the princess as blonde. I couldn’t help but to look in the mirror and not see what looked like my beloved heroines. But what does all of this matter right? It’s just a hair color.
I hated my dark hair all throughout my childhood, and often told my family that once I was old enough, I was going to start dying my hair. I didn't want to be overlooked for being too average. I wanted to be different. I wanted to be valued like my sister and brothers.
After resorting to the same insecurity many dark haired women face, I began to lighten my hair through the years. It's been years since I've seen my chocolate hair, and I mean.... really saw it. But after seeing the damage that bleaching and blow drying has done to my hair and scalp, I eventually had to force myself to stop. Embracing my natural look was not an easy thing for me to do, especially after the harsh criticism I received from others for simply not measuring up to society's pressure to be rare.
And many, after reading this may think I am an egotistical, vapid, and ignorant woman who blames all of her problems on the fact that she is a brunette. But that is not the case. I am simply pinpointing problems and issues that I have had to tackle and why it is important to overcome them. But growing up with this mentality was why I desperately wished I was born a natural blonde. Maybe the deeper issue was the frighteningly high value our society placed on these characteristics. Appearances, notably hair color, facial features, and eye color/type etc. mean a lot and say a lot. I wish it wasn’t so but it is human nature to look at someone, evaluate, and give people worth before really knowing anything about them.
I'm not going to sugar coat this. These are some real struggles I personally had to face. But just remember, women are very competitive. These are old intimidation tactics, so don't let that define your confidence.
“Truthfully, we men could care less about women’s hair drama.” - Richard Tanner
The eyes may actually have it. Eye color sometimes mixes with hair color amazingly … blue eyes with dark hair, brown eyes with blonde, and green with, well, any hair color. It's funny how culture and media influence perception of hair color, but my personal opinion is that it doesn't matter what color your hair is. If you're hot, you're hot. - Rich Santos
The truthers tell all. It’s all about personal preference folks. Don’t waste your time trying to fit into a different mold. Be genuine. Be who you were created to be and you will attract the right person!
Have you had any experiences like this? Share your story with us. What are your thoughts on what is attractive in a man/woman? Tell us in the comments.
Also read: The Problem With Society's View of Worth